Tag Archives: Obama

38 Years of Roe V. Wade

This is my granddaughter. She's due in April. SHE IS A PERSON. I can't wait to meet her!

Today’s statement from President Barack Obama:

Today marks the 38th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision that protects women’s health and reproductive freedom, and affirms a fundamental principle: that government should not intrude on private family matters.

I am committed to protecting this constitutional right. I also remain committed to policies, initiatives, and programs that help prevent unintended pregnancies, support pregnant women and mothers, encourage healthy relationships, and promote adoption.

And on this anniversary, I hope that we will recommit ourselves more broadly to ensuring that our daughters have the same rights, the same freedoms, and the same opportunities as our sons to fulfill their dreams.

The American Holocaust continues, not only unabated, but praised and protected by this president.  While he panders to his base, millions upon millions of children are sacrificed to the Molech of the abortion industry.

Pray for the unborn, and also pray for this sadly deluded (and deluding) president. Pray that he will come to see the truth of Proverbs 6:16:19 – “These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.”

French Historian Rabbi Rashi explained the central ritual involved in Molech worship: “Molech…was made of brass; and they heated him from his lower parts; and his hands being stretched out, and made hot, they put the child between his hands, and it was burnt; when it vehemently cried out; but the priests beat a drum, that the father might not hear the voice of his son, and his heart might not be moved.”

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I once published a newspaper column in which I stated that President Obama literally loves abortion.  I received this angry response from “Eddie69,” a reader:

“Oh yeah lovin’ that abortion! Do you truly, in the depths of your heart, believe that anyone loves abortion? What shameful rhetoric. You neither convince nor educate with such pompous oratory. Let us not come together, let us drive deeper the wedge of discord.”

Here is the response I posted:

Eddie69,

(1) ‘Oh yeah lovin’ that abortion! Do you truly, in the depths of your heart, believe that anyone loves abortion?’

Yes, as a matter of fact, I most certainly do believe, in the depths of my heart, that many people, especially your president, love abortion. How else could someone defend the indefensible with such devotion? No one could endorse abortion with his degree of passion without also harboring a profound affection for abortion.

Most people, under the right conditions, could defend something that they do not necessarily love, or even something that they might personally find distasteful; I accept that. However, the obvious delight Obama takes in serving as the pro-abortion movement’s spokesmodel, cheerleader, and handmaiden betrays something more than mere acquiescence to their objectives: He loves it.

Take, for example, the Illinois Born Alive Infant Protection Act (BAIPA). Whistleblower Jill Stanek revealed that personnel at Christ Hospital in Oak Lawn, IL were taking little babies who had survived abortions into the hospital’s soiled linen room and abandoning them there to die horribly – uncomforted, untreated, and alone. Illinois lawmakers began crafting BAIPA to outlaw this cruel practice.

BAIPA was brought before then-Illinois State Senator Obama’s Senate Judiciary Committee as Senate Bill 1095.
He voted against it in committee on March 28, 2001.
He spoke against it on the Illinois Senate floor two days later.
A revised version of BAIPA, Senate Bill 1662, was brought before Obama’s Senate Judiciary Committee on March 6, 2002. Obama voted against it again.
It came up for a floor vote on April 4, 2002. Obama voted against it again.
By 2003, Obama was chairman of the Health and Human Services Committee. BAIPA came up in his committee as Senate Bill 1082 on March 12. First Obama voted to amend it and adopt the ‘neutrality clause’ language from the federal version of the bill. After his changes were accepted, Obama voted against BAIPA!

(2) ‘What shameful rhetoric.’

President Obama is utterly beholden to Planned Parenthood, the number one abortion provider in the United States.  Watch the YouTube video here and listen to HIS rhetoric.  Listen to him affirming his intent to carry water for that beastly organization. Listen to him gleefully, shamelessly promising to sign the unthinkably barbaric Freedom of Choice Act into law. Hm. Yes. ‘What shameful rhetoric’ indeed:

One can’t miss his grandiloquence as he declares, ‘I will not yield, and Planned Parenthood will not yield.’ This is not merely tacit assent to Planned Parenthood and their agenda. This is President Obama’s declaration of partnership with them; it’s his vow of fealty to Planned Parenthood and their goals.. Any intellectually honest person will concede that.

If signed into law in its current form, the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) would nullify Carhart v. Gonzales. This, in turn, would negate the Partial-Birth Abortion Act which was enacted in 2003 and upheld by the United States Supreme Court in 2007. Most Americans recognize this procedure as the monstrous atrocity it is. Your President is not among them, obviously. In fact, as that speech to his Planned Parenthood cronies reveals, he wanted his first official act of office to be the signing of the legislation that would revive partial-birth abortion. Partial-birth abortion (or, as I’m sure your President would prefer, intact dilation and extraction) is an incomprehensibly heinous, infanticidal act. When Obama so proudly promises his signature on FOCA, he is also validating partial-birth abortion.

If signed into law in its current form, FOCA would nullify ‘conscience laws,’ those policies and provisions which allow hospitals, nurses and doctors who object to abortion to refuse to participate in, refer for, provide, or fund abortions. My wife’s OB/GYN, Dr. Karla Polaschek, is nationally regarded as one of the finest, most innovative physicians in her field. Unlike President Obama, she is not an abortion lovin’ individual; she has enough decency and humanity to comprehend the fundamental sanctity of human life. She has assured me that when and if conscience laws are nullified (as they would be by your President’s giddy signature on FOCA) , she and tens of thousands of her like-minded colleagues would have no choice but to abandon Obstetrics and Gynecology immediately. An untold number of Catholic hospitals would close as well.

If signed into law in its current form, FOCA would nullify the laws in over forty states that ensure that parents are informed if their minor daughter has scheduled an abortion. The exclusion of parents from a decision of this magnitude in the life of their child is unthinkable. Yet that’s what your President is plum-tickled to sign into law.

(3) ‘You neither convince nor educate with such pompous oratory.’

When I write a column, convincing and educating are never my objectives. For me, it’s strictly about fulfilling my destiny as an insufferable, bloviating hammerhead.

And incidentally, ‘oratory’ refers to speech, not writing.

Your Pal,

Jim Bennett

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“Moses” and the Mosque

By Jim Bennett
Daily Review Atlas

On April 20, 1999, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris shot 12 students, a teacher and themselves to death at Columbine High School near Littleton, Colorado.

That year, the National Rifle Association convention had been booked for the end of the month at the Adam’s Mark Hotel in Denver, 14 miles from the site of the tragedy.

The event had been planned and paid for long before the massacre, but Association President Charlton Heston swiftly cancelled all of the convention’s various seminars, luncheons, ceremonies and the sprawling firearms exposition anyway.

The NRA voluntarily reduced their traditionally festive three-day assemblage to a few hours, long enough for an austere membership meeting (which they held only because it was required by law under their non-profit charter) and a brief, low-key reception.
Even though neither Harris nor Klebold was a member of the National Rifle Association, Heston went to extraordinary lengths to extend kindness to those who had lost their loved ones in the mass slaying.

This is called “simple human decency.”

On Sept. 11, 2001, Islamic terrorists hijacked four airliners and purposely smashed two of them into the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in New York City. The two skyscrapers collapsed a short time later. The third jet was intentionally flown into the Pentagon in Arlington, Va., and the fourth, which the hijackers had directed toward Washington D.C., crashed in a field in Pennsylvania as passengers and crew were courageously attempting to regain control of it; 2,976 people were killed in the attack, along with the hijackers. More than 6,000 people were injured.

In December 2009, Islamic Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf announced plans to build a 13-story mosque and Muslim cultural center just two blocks from the site of the Twin Towers atrocity. When some family members of 9/11 victims bristled at the suggestion and cried out for sensitivity, Rauf and his backers just pressed forward.

Simple human decency? Hello?

But what did the NRA get for their sacrificial and sympathetic gestures in 1999? They were pilloried by the press anyway; many media outlets continued to report the story as if the organization had simply shaken a defiant fist in the face of the families of the Columbine victims and gone ahead with their convention as planned.

The mayor of Denver at the time, Wellington Webb, a Democrat, demanded that Heston and his conventioneers stay out of the city altogether.

In contrast, the New York Times calls the Ground Zero mosque a “monument to tolerance,” and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg speaks of the project in supportive, glowing terms. He believes the mosque will “help repudiate the false and repugnant idea that the attacks of 9/11 were in any way consistent with Islam.”

That’s an interesting statement, considering that Imam Rauf has refused to condemn Hamas as the terrorist organization it is. Bloomberg’s support shouldn’t surprise us though; the May Day car bomb discovered in Times Square left His Honor the Mayor speculating that the bomber was some right-winger upset over Obama’s health care plan. Later, police arrested Faisal Shahzad, a Muslim terrorist from Pakistan.

When federal officials weighed in on the NRA convention controversy in ’99, Congressman John Conyers, a Michigan Democrat, called the group “merchants of death” while then-First Lady Hillary Clinton smiled and nodded in agreement.
When it comes to the Ground Zero mosque, however, even President Obama himself has inexplicably endorsed it. Shamelessly pandering to Muslims at the second annual White House Ramadan dinner Friday night, He called for the development to proceed, in spite of the pain it’s causing.

After the Columbine murders, NRA President Charlton Heston immediately called upon his constituents to show their “profound sympathy and respect for the families and communities in the Denver area in their time of great loss.” Again: Simple human decency.

Compare that statement to what Imam Rauf said on the Sept. 30, 2001, edition of CBS’ “60 Minutes”: “I wouldn’t say that the United States deserved what happened [on 9/11], but the United States’ policies were an accessory to the crime that happened.”

But the Soetoro Administration’s fondness for Rauf could have no greater affirmation than his selection by the government to be sent abroad on a month-long junket (funded by you and me, taxpayers) to various Muslim countries. His mission, says State Department spokesman C.J. Crowley, is “to foster a greater understanding and outreach … among Muslim majority communities … to help people overseas understand our society and the role of religion within our society.”

We’re talking about a guy who once told Ed Bradley that the U.S. has “been an accessory to a lot of innocent lives dying in the world. In fact, in the most direct sense, Osama bin Laden is made in the U.S.A.”

I’m not sure this is the man we want “fostering a greater understanding and outreach” among Muslims, let alone building anything near Ground Zero.

Perhaps most disconcerting is the murky funding behind this $100 million development. Rauf and his partners have been eerily evasive about that, yet calls for an investigation into the Imam’s financial backers have fallen on deaf ears. Mayor Bloomberg says undertaking such a probe would be “un-American,” but now comes word that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is actually calling for an investigation into the funding of those OPPOSING the construction of the mosque!

“Simple human decency,” indeed.

Jim Bennett is the pastor of Rozetta Baptist Church in rural Henderson County.

Copyright 2010 Daily Review Atlas. Some rights reserved

Public School Kids Forced To Sing Praise and Worship Songs! (About Obama)

There’s a new music video out that you won’t see on Mtv or VH1.  It’s a rockin’ anthem.  It’s got a good beat, it’s easy to dance to.  Yo-yo-yo!  Chiggity-check it out here, dawg.

This new group of fly young artists from B. Bernice Young Elementary School in Burlington, N.J. cut the sick fresh jam back in June, but those fools at the record label didn’t see fit to street it until now.  Whaddup, yo?!

When I was their age, I was singing God Bless America, but it sounds like they’re singing something that could be entitled America Elected God.  

The video starts off with a distinctly hip-hop flavor as a young Eminem begins to kick it old school:                                

Barack Hussein Obama

He said we all must lend a hand to make this country strong again                                        

Mm-mm-mm

Barack Hussein Obama

He said we must be fair today

Equal work means equal pay

Mm-mm-mm

Barack Hussein Obama

He said that we must take a stand

To make sure everyone gets a chance

Mm-mm- mm

Barack Hussein Obama

He said Red, Yellow, Black or White

All are equal in his sight

Mm-mm- mm

Barack Hussein Obama

Yes, Mmm, mmm, mm!

Barack Hussein Obama

At this point, the whole class joins in to repeat this masterpiece of rap, and then they break into a Puff Daddy-esque re-mix of Battle Hymn of the Republic, and it goes a l’il somethin’ like this:

Hello, Mr. President we honor you today!

For all your great accomplishments, we all do say “Hooray!”                          

Hooray Mr. President! You’re number one!

The first Black American to lead this great na-TION!

Hooray, Mr. President (The lyrics sung by the children at this point are unintelligible, so I’m not sure what they say.  When I played the recording backwards, however, I heard this secret, backmasked message: “Republicans are Satan!  Mommy and Daddy are racist, right-wing extremist terrorists if they criticize the President!”)

Then the big finish:

Hooray Mr. President, we’re really proud of you!

And the same for all Americans under the great Red White and Blue! 

(At this point the lyrics are unintelligible again, but when I played it backwards I distinctly heard this secret, backmasked message: “Turn me on, deadman/Take the H1N1 vaccine or face a FEMA internment camp, deadman.”)

Hip, hip hooray!

Okay, where to start?  First of all, there’s this line:  Barack Hussein Obama/He said Red, Yellow, Black or White/All are equal in his sight/Mm-mm- mm/                  

Anyone who has been to Sunday School in the last 100 years knows that this particular line is clearly co-opted from Jesus Loves the Little Children, which goes, “Red and yellow, black and white/They are precious in His sight/Jesus Loves the little children of the World”

I… Uh… Um…

Wow. 

I simply don’t have the words to respond to that. 

Do I need to?

Then there’s the whole Battle Hymn of the Republic connection.  Largely identified with the Civil War and the abolitionist cause, the hymn thematically portrays the second coming of Jesus Christ.  Perhaps that’s what the teachers think happened on election day.

I’m still struggling to process all this.  As a result, I really don’t have a good wrap-up for this article, so I’ll just give you the three links you need now that you have read it.

The WebMD page on the treatment of hypertension/high blood pressure is found here:  http://www.webmd.com/hypertension-high-blood-pressure/default.htm

Amazon.com’s link to order Mary Pride’s Complete Guide to Getting Started in Homeschooling is here:                                 http://www.amazon.com/Prides-Complete-Getting-Started-Homeschooling/dp/0736909184

A current listing of private islands for sale around the world can be found here:  http://www.privateislandsonline.com/

God help us.

Update.  This clip is to video what Ipecac is to beverages:

“Explicit Language”

       Some time ago, my daughter Lyndsay borrowed my van so she could visit her sister Kayla in Monmouth.  Soon I realized I had left some needed item in the van, so I set off to town to retrieve it.  When I pulled into the parking lot at Kayla’s apartment complex, she and Lyndsay were standing by the van, looking suspicious.  After explaining why I had come, I opened the van’s passenger-side door and was immediately hit by a familiar stench:  When humans encounter this particular odor, we reflexively stand on one foot and then the other, examining the soles of our shoes.  Then I saw the source:  A dog of ambiguous breed was inside, chewing up my treasured “Flatt and Scruggs” CD.

       Back story:  Kayla’s rental agreement forbade pets.  Proving that she could be every bit as obedient to a landlord as she always had been to dear ol’ dad, she immediately went and got herself one unattractive, mentally-ill dog.

       Kayla had overlooked the fact that eventually she would have to take the dog outside of her apartment building for, um, you know.  Then her contraband canine would be exposed to the landlord’s prying gaze.  Her solution?  Coax the dog into a large gym bag, partially zip him up in it, and then tote him out indognito.  But on this day, for reasons that were never satisfactorily explained to me, my daughters released the hound in my vehicle rather than in the nearby vacant lot.

       “Kayla, when Lyndsay came pullin’ in here,” I asked, “did you see a sign on the side of my van that said ‘Incontinent Dog Storage’?”

       Kayla smiled nervously.  “Daddy, you know I ain’t seen no…”

       “DID YOU NOTICE A SIGN ON THE SIDE OF MY VAN THAT SAID, ‘INCONTINENT DOG STORAGE’?!” I repeated, cutting her off.

       “No,” Kayla said.  “I didn’t.”

       “You know WHY you didn’t see that sign?!” I asked.

       “Why?” Kayla responded.

       “’Cause it ain’t there, ‘cause storin’ incontinent dogs ain’t my blasted business, that’s why!”  I shrieked.

       I then turned my attention to Lyndsay.  “Dear, I would have had no problem at all with a dog in my van, provided he could talk and was accompanied by a blonde, scarf-wearing metrosexual and a seedy stoner in a green t-shirt.  You put together a crew like that, and I’ll gladly send you all off in my van to expose paranormal hoaxes at abandoned amusement parks.  But when did I ever tell you that it was okay to offer my van as a puppy port-o-potty?”

       That’s when she said it.  Get ready for awesome:

       “You never said I couldn’t.”

       I’m telling you the truth.  She actually said that.

       “You’re absolutely right,” I said.  “I neglected to specifically prohibit the housing of encopretic dogs in my vehicle.  I should have listed that and all the other things I don’t want you to do to my van:  Please don’t use it as a meth lab.  Please don’t use it to jump over Snake River Canyon.  Please don’t use it as a polling place on election day.  Please don’t allow Salvador Dali to fill it with cauliflower.  Please don’t use it to cook and deliver chitlins. Please don’t fit it with a flux capacitor and accidentally send me back to the 1950’s, triggering a series of time-travel paradoxes that won’t be resolved unless I take my mother to prom.    Please don’t let Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) drive you home from a party in it.  Please don’t paint the…”

       My daughters shrugged, bagged up the dog, and went inside.  I spent the remainder of the evening in the parking lot, shouting my list of prohibitions at Kayla’s building.

       I’m sure you’ve already guessed that I’ve offered this true story to explain my opposition to the Obama  administration’s health care reform plan.  Yes, I despise its paternalistic governmental bloatitude.  Yes, I resent the intrusive, writhing tentacles of liberalism.  And yes, I know California Representative Henry Waxman looks like an extra from “Ratatouille.”  But an even more important concern is that this legislation, if enacted in its current state, will require taxpayers to pay for abortions.

       “But wait a minute, you remarkably handsome, erudite columnist,” you say.  “There’s nothing in the House or Senate versions of this plan that mandates taxpayer funding for the slaughter of the unborn.”

       That’s true:  There are no specific provisions allocating taxpayer dollars for the funding of surgical infanticide.  But the reason this plan allows Big Abortion to raid our pockets is because – to paraphrase Lyndsay Bennett – “We never said they couldn’t.”  When abortion-lovin’ Planned Parenthood handmaidens like our president are in charge, every possible avenue for hijacking our taxes for this barbarism must be imagined, and then a prohibition must be
specifically spelled out in the legislation.  Anything less will assure abortion’s inclusion in government health care coverage.

       Public outcry against this boondoggle delayed voting beyond the August recess.  Praise God.  And now that these lawmakers are returning home, we need to be visiting their offices and telling them we oppose any health care reform that does not specifically prohibit any and all abortion coverage.  The idea of being financially complicit in Margaret Sanger’s Final Solution is too much for this taxpayer to bear.  It’s not enough to withhold permission from these
people.  You’ve got to tell them they can’t.

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Epilogue:  When the  “Explicit Language” column was posted on the Review Atlas website, I received this comment from someone listed as “Eddie68″:

“Oh yeah lovin’ that abortion! Do you truly, in the depths of your heart, believe that anyone loves abortion? What shameful rhetoric. You neither convince nor educate with such pompous oratory. Let us not come together, let us drive deeper the wedge of discord.”

Here is the response I posted:

Eddie69,

(1) ‘Oh yeah lovin’ that abortion! Do you truly, in the depths of your heart, believe that anyone loves abortion?’

Yes, as a matter of fact, I most certainly do believe, in the depths of my heart, that many people, especially your president, love abortion. How else could someone defend the indefensible with such devotion? No one could endorse abortion with his degree of passion without also harboring a profound affection for abortion.

Most people, under the right conditions, could defend something that they do not necessarily love, or even something that they might personally find distasteful; I accept that. However, the obvious delight Obama takes in serving as the pro-abortion movement’s spokesmodel, cheerleader, and handmaiden betrays something more than mere acquiescence to their objectives: He loves it.

Take, for example, the Illinois Born Alive Infant Protection Act (BAIPA). Whistleblower Jill Stanek revealed that personnel at Christ Hospital in Oak Lawn, IL were taking little babies who had survived abortions into the hospital’s soiled linen room and abandoning them there to die horribly – uncomforted, untreated, and alone. Illinois lawmakers began crafting BAIPA to outlaw this cruel practice.

BAIPA was brought before then-Illinois State Senator Obama’s Senate Judiciary Committee as Senate Bill 1095.
He voted against it in committee on March 28, 2001.
He spoke against it on the Illinois Senate floor two days later.
A revised version of BAIPA, Senate Bill 1662, was brought before Obama’s Senate Judiciary Committee on March 6, 2002. Obama voted against it again.
It came up for a floor vote on April 4, 2002. Obama voted against it again.
By 2003, Obama was chairman of the Health and Human Services Committee. BAIPA came up in his committee as Senate Bill 1082 on March 12. First Obama voted to amend it and adopt the ‘neutrality clause’ language from the federal version of the bill. After his changes were accepted, Obama voted against BAIPA!

(2) ‘What shameful rhetoric.’

President Obama is utterly beholden to Planned Parenthood, the number one abortion provider in the United States.. Watch the YouTube video here and listen to HIS rhetoric.  Listen to him affirming his intent to carry water for that beastly organization. Listen to him gleefully, shamelessly promising to sign the unthinkably barbaric Freedom of Choice Act into law. Hm. Yes. ‘What shameful rhetoric’ indeed: 

One can’t miss his grandiloquence as he declares, ‘I will not yield, and Planned Parenthood will not yield.’ This is not merely tacit assent to Planned Parenthood and their agenda. This is President Obama’s declaration of partnership with them; it’s his vow of fealty to Planned Parenthood and their goals.. Any intellectually honest person will concede that.

If signed into law in its current form, the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) would nullify Carhart v. Gonzales. This, in turn, would negate the Partial-Birth Abortion Act which was enacted in 2003 and upheld by the United States Supreme Court in 2007. Most Americans recognize this procedure as the monstrous atrocity it is. Your President is not among them, obviously. In fact, as that speech to his Planned Parenthood cronies reveals, he wanted his first official act of office to be the signing of the legislation that would revive partial-birth abortion. Partial-birth abortion (or, as I’m sure your President would prefer, intact dilation and extraction) is an incomprehensibly heinous, infanticidal act. When Obama so proudly promises his signature on FOCA, he is also validating partial-birth abortion.

If signed into law in its current form, FOCA would nullify ‘conscience laws,’ those policies and provisions which allow hospitals, nurses and doctors who object to abortion to refuse to participate in, refer for, provide, or fund abortions. My wife’s OB/GYN, Dr. Karla Polaschek, is nationally regarded as one of the finest, most innovative physicians in her field. Unlike President Obama, she is not an abortion lovin’ individual; she has enough decency and humanity to comprehend the fundamental sanctity of human life. She has assured me that when and if conscience laws are nullified (as they would be by your President’s giddy signature on FOCA) , she and tens of thousands of her like-minded colleagues would have no choice but to abandon Obstetrics and Gynecology immediately. An untold number of Catholic hospitals would close as well.

If signed into law in its current form, FOCA would nullify the laws in over forty states that ensure that parents are informed if their minor daughter has scheduled an abortion. The exclusion of parents from a decision of this magnitude in the life of their child is unthinkable. Yet that’s what your President is plum-tickled to sign into law.

(3) ‘You neither convince nor educate with such pompous oratory.’

When I write a column, convincing and educating are never my objectives. For me, it’s strictly about fulfilling my destiny as an insufferable, bloviating hammerhead.

And incidentally, ‘oratory’ refers to speech, not writing.

Your Pal,

Jim Bennett

“A Policeman, A Professor, and the President Walk Into A Bar…”

            Barack Voice Over:  “This is the city:  Cambridge, Massachusetts.  It’s a nice place to live, even when it’s the epicenter of a race politics earthquake.  It’s got everything a Monday morning quarterback could ever want:  Experienced public safety professionals in need of condescending hindsight criticism; seasoned peacekeepers begging for an untrained second-guesser to critique their job performance; decorated policemen hungry for a procedural review from a backseat driver whose vast repository of law enforcement knowledge was amassed by watching the Season 1 DVD box set of “The Wire.”  Occasionally, one of those Cambridge cops will “act stupidly” by arresting one of my Harvard cronies.  That’s where I come in.  I don’t work here.  I don’t carry a badge.  Or even a long-form, hospital-generated birth certificate, for that matter.”

            Narrator Voice Over:  “The column you’re about to read is true.  The facts have been embellished to preserve the author’s status as an opinionated hammerhead.” 

(Music:  “Dragnet March”)

            Barack Voice Over:  “It was Thursday, July 16th.  It was warm in Cambridge.  I was working the day watch out of Amateur Armchair Internal Affairs Division.  My partner is Joe Biden.  My name’s Obama.  When a member of the Cambridge Police Department made the mistake of hassling my Ivy League confrère, Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., it became the job of A.A.I.A.D. to offer uninformed, knee-jerk condemnation.”       

            Bomp-buh-bomp-bomp!  Well, it appears the presidential pie-hole has outrun that busy, busy brain once again.  It wasn’t Special Olympians or the séances of Nancy Reagan this time; it was Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley.  So brilliant is our president that he didn’t need to wait for the results of an official inquiry; quicker than you can say “Vero Possumus,” he had Crowley branded as a cross between a Keystone Kop and a Ku Klux Klansman.  Not since the Nixon administration awarded Elvis Presley a Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs special agent badge have we seen such a stellar display of presidential insight into the realities of law enforcement.

            But it’s really what has happened since then that makes this circus of pain the delight that it is.  Here’s what the President actually said, in context, when asked about Gates’ arrest:

            “But I think it’s fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry; number two, that the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home; and, number three,  that there’s a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately.”

            The comment in question is number two (pun intended) in that quote.  But there’s more where that came from.  Try to crack the code of this “clarification” offered by Obama at a White House press briefing on Friday:

            “I unfortunately, I think, gave an impression that I was maligning the Cambridge Police Department or Sgt. Crowley specifically.”

            Let’s review.  July 22, 2009:  “Cambridge police acted stupidly…”

            Yes, Mr. President, I’m going to get totally crazy and agree with you:  Somehow, Americans were given the impression that you were maligning the Cambridge Police Department or Sgt. Crowley specifically.  Now, I’ve carefully reviewed the tapes of the statement in question.  I’ve analyzed your sentence structure, word choices, facial expressions, body language, and vocal inflections, and now that I’ve thoroughly reviewed all the data, I think I’ve zeroed in on exactly what went wrong:  According to my research and calculations, there is a clear reason why Americans were left with the impression that that you were maligning the Cambridge Police Department or Sgt. Crowley specifically:  The problem, it seems, stems directly from the fact that you were maligning the Cambridge Police Department or Sgt. Crowley specifically.

                  Ron Popeil Infomercial Voice Over:  “Whew!  That was a close one!  Fortunately for his presidential legacy, Barack narrowly avoided what could have been a disastrous, first-ever encounter with – Yuck! – sincerity and apologetic humility.  How did he do it?  By offering Sgt. Crowley the patented Beltway Non-PologyTM! Why apologize, when you can Non-PologizeTM?  The new Beltway Non-PologyTM from Ronco is perfect for those occasions when words like “I’m sorry!” might jeopardize your media-hyped image as an infallible, omnipotent deity.  Don’t put yourself through the hassle of feigning contrition when you can dodge personal responsibility!    The Beltway Non-PologyTM does the work for you, creating the illusion of remorse while allowing you to maintain plausible deniability!”

            My favorite chapter in this surreal tale, however, is President Barack “Common Man” Obama’s plan to sit down with Professor Henry Louis “Regular Guy” Gates Junior and Sergeant James “Yo’ Mama” Crowley “over a beer.”  (“Whip us up some wings, Michelle!  The boys are comin’ over!  UFC’s on Pay-Per-View!”)  Yep, a few cold ones in the White House basement bar, T.G.I.Franklin D. Rosie’s – “Where Commanders-In-Chief Have Nothing To Beer But Beer ItselfTM” – that ought to help everyone drunkoncile their differences.

            Does this column seem a tad cynical, or is it just me?  I guess I could have calibrated those words differently.

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