Tag Archives: H1N1

“The Best Joke of the Year; The Best Hope for the Next” by Jim Bennett

            I don’t think I’ll surprise anyone by stating that 2009 has been difficult.  But finding the downside is easy:  I only need to watch the evening news, read the paper, step on a set of scales, or try another do-it-myself haircut.  That’s why I have chosen to devote this column to blowing sappy-happy rainbows up everybody’s trouser legs with my first annual “Best Joke of the Year, Best Hope for the Next” column.   
            Now, there’s no accounting for taste, mind you.  You may find them stupid or simply unfunny, but at least you won’t be reading about H1N1, Tiger Woods’ marriage, or “The Twilight Saga:  New Moon” for the next ten minutes.

The news hasn't been this depressing since the death of Anna Nicole Smith.

            Second runner up:  A wife is having breakfast with her husband on Valentine’s Day morning.  She hints coyly, “I dreamt last night that you gave me a gorgeous diamond pendant for Valentine’s Day.  What a strange dream.  What do you suppose it means?”
            With a wink and a smile, her husband replies, “Well, my dear, you’ll find out exactly what that dream means tonight, and that’s all I’m going to say.”
            The wife is on pins and needles until her husband arrives that evening with an elegantly-wrapped package under his arm.  She grabs it.  Tearing it open; her eyes grow wide as she looks at her gift: 
            A copy of the “The Interpretation of Dreams” by Sigmund Freud.

Get it? When the husband said, "You'll find out exactly what that dream means tonight," the wife thought he meant that he was going to...oh, never mind.

            First runner up goes to this story, told to me by a member of my church, about an older couple in denial about their dead dog.  They brought their pet’s carcass to the vet and insisted he treat the animal.  When he tried to explain that the animal was deceased, they demanded a second opinion, so the vet summoned a yellow Labrador into the room.  The canine carefully examined the dead dog and then looked at the couple, gravely shaking his head.  Still unconvinced, they demanded a third opinion.  The vet complied again, calling in yet another associate, a Siamese cat.  The feline examined the expired dog and, just like the yellow Lab had done, she shook her head sadly.  At last persuaded, the couple left to bury their beloved companion.
            A few days later, the couple returned to the vet, angrily demanding an explanation for the bill he had sent them.
            “One thousand dollars?!  Just to tell us that our dog was dead?!”
            “Well,” the vet replied, “when you figure in the lab work, and the cat scan…”

Get it? The vet charged them for LAB work and a CAT scan because the Yellow LABrador and the Siamese CAT were...Oh, never mind.

             Ah, a classic to be sure, but it’s also a bit lengthy; brevity being the soul of wit, I picked a short riddle that takes Best Joke of 2009 honors hands down:
            Q:  What did 0 say to 8?
            A:  Nice belt!
            See what I mean?  It’s succinct, brilliant, and you have to work for a minute to get it. 
            Those are the Best Jokes of the Year, but what is the Best Hope for the Next, as far as humor is concerned?  Apart from the sudden and permanent retirement of Dane Cook, only one thing, really:  That my four-year-old daughter Weezie would find a new joke.  You see, for all of this year and the latter half of 2008, she has been stuck on an antique knock-knock joke about a cow who compulsively interrupts others while they are speaking.  The 18 months of repetition aside, simply participating in the joke is a Sisyphean nightmare of soul-crushing futility.  If you’re one of the eight people on earth who has never heard it, here it is:
            Weezie:  Knock-Knock!
            Me:  (Heavy sigh)  Who’s there?
            Weezie:  Interrupting cow!
            Me: (Groan)  Interrup…
            Weezie:  MOO!
            Me:  You got me again, Kid.

Get it, Dad? There's an interrupting cow knocking at the door, and before you can even ask, "Who is it?" he...Oh, never mind.

            My best hope for jokes in 2010 is that The Interrupting Cow will contract bovine spongiform encephalopathy and die a mercifully swift death. 
            Won’t you help? 
            You see, Weezie and children just like her all over the world go through each day, for months – sometimes years – on end, in comedic poverty, repeating the same tired joke, over and over.  Won’t you consider sponsoring a child by providing the quips and jests they desperately need, but which we take for granted?  It only costs a pun, a one-liner, a simple wisecrack.  Please send a kid’s joke to newjoke4weezie@gmail.com today.  If your joke silences “Interrupting Cow” in my home once and for all, it will be featured in an upcoming column and you’ll receive a free “I Killed the Interrupting Cow” t-shirt.

You could, I suppose, live without this shirt...if you want to call that "living."

            And, most importantly, you’ll also receive an exhausted father’s undying gratitude.  Please – don’t delay.

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Public School Kids Forced To Sing Praise and Worship Songs! (About Obama)

There’s a new music video out that you won’t see on Mtv or VH1.  It’s a rockin’ anthem.  It’s got a good beat, it’s easy to dance to.  Yo-yo-yo!  Chiggity-check it out here, dawg.

This new group of fly young artists from B. Bernice Young Elementary School in Burlington, N.J. cut the sick fresh jam back in June, but those fools at the record label didn’t see fit to street it until now.  Whaddup, yo?!

When I was their age, I was singing God Bless America, but it sounds like they’re singing something that could be entitled America Elected God.  

The video starts off with a distinctly hip-hop flavor as a young Eminem begins to kick it old school:                                

Barack Hussein Obama

He said we all must lend a hand to make this country strong again                                        

Mm-mm-mm

Barack Hussein Obama

He said we must be fair today

Equal work means equal pay

Mm-mm-mm

Barack Hussein Obama

He said that we must take a stand

To make sure everyone gets a chance

Mm-mm- mm

Barack Hussein Obama

He said Red, Yellow, Black or White

All are equal in his sight

Mm-mm- mm

Barack Hussein Obama

Yes, Mmm, mmm, mm!

Barack Hussein Obama

At this point, the whole class joins in to repeat this masterpiece of rap, and then they break into a Puff Daddy-esque re-mix of Battle Hymn of the Republic, and it goes a l’il somethin’ like this:

Hello, Mr. President we honor you today!

For all your great accomplishments, we all do say “Hooray!”                          

Hooray Mr. President! You’re number one!

The first Black American to lead this great na-TION!

Hooray, Mr. President (The lyrics sung by the children at this point are unintelligible, so I’m not sure what they say.  When I played the recording backwards, however, I heard this secret, backmasked message: “Republicans are Satan!  Mommy and Daddy are racist, right-wing extremist terrorists if they criticize the President!”)

Then the big finish:

Hooray Mr. President, we’re really proud of you!

And the same for all Americans under the great Red White and Blue! 

(At this point the lyrics are unintelligible again, but when I played it backwards I distinctly heard this secret, backmasked message: “Turn me on, deadman/Take the H1N1 vaccine or face a FEMA internment camp, deadman.”)

Hip, hip hooray!

Okay, where to start?  First of all, there’s this line:  Barack Hussein Obama/He said Red, Yellow, Black or White/All are equal in his sight/Mm-mm- mm/                  

Anyone who has been to Sunday School in the last 100 years knows that this particular line is clearly co-opted from Jesus Loves the Little Children, which goes, “Red and yellow, black and white/They are precious in His sight/Jesus Loves the little children of the World”

I… Uh… Um…

Wow. 

I simply don’t have the words to respond to that. 

Do I need to?

Then there’s the whole Battle Hymn of the Republic connection.  Largely identified with the Civil War and the abolitionist cause, the hymn thematically portrays the second coming of Jesus Christ.  Perhaps that’s what the teachers think happened on election day.

I’m still struggling to process all this.  As a result, I really don’t have a good wrap-up for this article, so I’ll just give you the three links you need now that you have read it.

The WebMD page on the treatment of hypertension/high blood pressure is found here:  http://www.webmd.com/hypertension-high-blood-pressure/default.htm

Amazon.com’s link to order Mary Pride’s Complete Guide to Getting Started in Homeschooling is here:                                 http://www.amazon.com/Prides-Complete-Getting-Started-Homeschooling/dp/0736909184

A current listing of private islands for sale around the world can be found here:  http://www.privateislandsonline.com/

God help us.

Update.  This clip is to video what Ipecac is to beverages:

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