Fightin’ Words

I had my dad readiness tested the other day:  Hannah, who will turn eight next month, and her six-year-old brother Daniel were outside playing.  I was holding court in the parsonage while the Mrs. was off doing something pastor’s wife-ish.  Suddenly Hannah burst through the door with wailing and gnashing of teeth.  Daniel was on her heels, and he too was crying, shrieking “Accident!” over and over.  Hannah was in full-force tattling mode, crying, point at Daniel, and speaking in tongues.  At this point, Daniel demanded a lawyer. 

            I began to look Hannah over.  She was holding her hand on her head.  When she pulled it away, blood like I’ve never seen outside an MMA cage began to pour down the side of her face down to the front of her shirt.  When she saw those scarlet billows start to spread, Hannah screamed and demanded that I kill Daniel.  Daniel screamed and committed interstate flight to avoid prosecution.  Gracie, who just turned twelve, screamed and gave Hannah the Heimlich maneuver.  Jamie, my ten-year-old namesake, screamed and began running around in circles. Mary, who is four, screamed and began running around Jamie as he ran around in circles.  Three-year-old Mercy screamed and dashed outside to start a signal fire for the rescue team.  Sam, my two-year-old, screamed and, using the coffee table as a pulpit, began beseeching the Lord for a miraculous healing. 

            While the Bennett Circus of Mayhem raged on around me, I located Hannah’s small scalp wound which, by the way, she sustained when a block of wood, which Daniel had carelessly tossed over his shoulder, conked her cranium.  I alerted the Mrs., who took the patient  to the clinic; three stitches and an ice cream cone later, she was fine.  Once I sedated the other children with veterinary tranquilizers and tucked them in for the night, they were fine too.  As for Daniel, a federal joint-agency task force caught up with him the next day, holed-up in a Toys-R-Us on the Arkansas-Missouri border.  He surrendered peacefully and is back home, awaiting trial. 

            With Father’s Day approaching, I’m thinking of Todd Palin.  Sexagenarian David Letterman cracked a perverse sex joke about Palin’s 14-year-old daughter, to the howling delight of his studio audience.  When the Palins dare to respond, the ever-effete MSNBC commentator Keith Olbermann opens fire, calling the girl’s mother “sanctimonious, holier than thou, exploitative, undignified, pedantic, childish, self-inflicting, insipid, backwards, embarrassing, over-reactive, overreaching” as well as a “delusional lunatic.”  Then, in a statement that defies both logic and decency, he actually characterized Letterman as “the victim” and praised him for continuing “to take the high road in the face of repeated attacks by a politician”! 

            Huh?!  How could he possibly think…Oh, wait:  A quick check of Keith Olbermann’s online bio page is enlightening:  It states, “Has never been married and has no children.”  ‘Nuff said.  Regardless of your politics or how you feel about Sarah Palin, honest moms and dads will agree that a twisted sex joke about their little girl is fightin’ words.  Leave it to a blow-dried, Botox-ified, metrosexual, non-dad like Keith Olbermann not to get it. 

            What kind of dad would Keith Olbermann be?  One can only guess, but it’s safe to assume that his son, should he ever have one, will never lack for quality time with Pops.  Every Saturday, after a hearty breakfast of gluten-free scones, Keith and Keith Jr. hit the Equinox gym in matching leotards, ready to get their Dynamic Pilates Fusion on.  Next, it’s straight down to Devachan’s for self-heating sea algae facial masques and hand massages.  Top it all off back at the condo with the Kathy Griffin marathon on the Bravo Network, and the patriarch’s work is done.

            David Letterman, who was a mildly amusing chap as recently as 1994, doesn’t have Olbermann’s excuse.  Employing the ultimate stupid human trick, he actually has fathered a son.  And the geriatric jokester finally condescended to marry his baby-mama a mere five years after the boy’s birth.  There’s a profile in old school paternal manhood if I’ve ever seen one.       

            Is there a media double standard?  Of course.  I mean, if Bill O’Reilly were to so much as hint that Sasha and Malia cheated at “Candyland,” Olbermann and the rest of the liberal press would have him hung in effigy.  But the real point here is that it is possible to go too far, no matter who you might be, when it comes to making sex jokes about a man’s little girl or calling his wife names.  Todd Palin has exercised admirable restraint so far, but if I were Letterman and Olbermann, I’d keep an ear out for the approaching roar of an Arctic Cat F6 600.

Inuit/Aleut Body Count

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  • wildblueiris  On September 25, 2009 at 11:46

    EXCELLENT READ! I got this link from Sarah’s FB page, someone posted it…

    You are a great writter, funny, and the message delivered succinctly in a very fun-hearted way, I loved reading it…

    As to the stupidity of these media types…yes I agree Todd Palin is holding up great, Sarah’s lucky and vice-versa. Prayers to them is the only way I can think to help out. How much can one family take? But then again– Jesus was also persecuted by the elites…

    More power of God’s Blessing to you and family..

  • Kay Amhaus  On September 25, 2009 at 12:42

    I’m a mom and I think what Sarah did re the Letterman thing was totally self-serving and politically motivated to keep HER in the spotlight. She’s a calculating quitter. ’nuff said.

    • Jim Bennett  On September 25, 2009 at 12:54

      Of course you do, dear. Isn’t it about time for Oprah?

    • wildblueiris  On September 25, 2009 at 15:12

      Kay- do you have a daughter?? Is she free foder for tasteless old men on tv???

      I bet you are an abortionist believer. but first things first- do you have kids??

    • wildblueiris  On September 25, 2009 at 15:13

      ok- I missed that you said you’re a mom!


    • Linda  On September 27, 2009 at 02:39

      Yes, I’m very proud of Palin’s courage to stand up for what’s right.

  • Mrs Clark  On September 25, 2009 at 13:53

    I was away at a Christian Retreat when the grossly, tasteless joke was made, however, not once did I think he was referring to her 14 year child. Still not an excuse to talk about the 18 year but that’s who I thought he was referring to.

    • Jim Bennett  On September 25, 2009 at 14:27

      Regardless of the age, it was utterly inappropriate. But FYI, the piece was written and published before the Letterman clarification. – The B.H.

      • Mrs Clark  On September 26, 2009 at 21:40

        Hence my phrase “still not an excuse”

  • Greta K  On September 25, 2009 at 18:32

    David Letterman is a weird “sick” old man..and no longer humorous…must be spending too much time surfing the internet….looking at?? mean …not funny….like someone’s nasty grampa..

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